Hello, old familiar enemy. That spiraling out of control mind game is back again. Did it ever really leave? Or have I become so good at busying myself with nonsense that I learn to ignore it for longer?
I think they call it grief. I call it absolute hell.
Four months without her laugh or her sweet smile. Four months without her sincerely tender heart greeting me each morning and her little feet pounding the steps to greet me at night. Four months without her head resting on my shoulder while I read bedtime stories. Four months without learning, growing and changing. Four months without new pictures…new memories.
I miss how she made me feel. I miss being loved and being needed in that most perfect way. I miss being called mommy and I miss being her everything. I feel hollow and have lost my desire to write. Words just aren’t coming like they were. I feel so very far away from her at every turn; it feels like being lost in the dark…knowing there WAS light somewhere, if only you could just find it. But you know you never will again.
I just want my little girl. I miss her so painfully that it feels as though I’m breathing a thousand knives with every breath I take. I love her and nothing in this world is right without her. Absolutely nothing.
I know I will see her again. I will run to her and wrap her in my arms and I’m certain I will never, ever let her go. I will hold her hand, kiss her cheek, run my fingers through her hair and down the bridge of her sweet nose. I will be with her again. It’s the meantime that I can’t figure out.
Katie girl, I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so sorry this happened…it should have NEVER happened. I love you. I miss you. Best friends forever. I promise.
