There are beautiful signs of spring all over…in the warmer weather, blooming daffodils and budding trees. Yet her winter coats still hang by the front door with anticipation. Easter is quickly approaching, yet there is no special Easter dress or cute shirt. There are still clothes from Christmas she never got to wear; hanging there in her closet with the tags on them. Outdoor furniture and spring garden supplies for sale at Target, windows open and green grass ready to play in. Dinosaur days at school have come and gone. Summer camp sign ups and kindergarten registration. “School pictures are coming home in bags today” and a missed “donuts with dad” at school; something Kate would have loved to the ends of the earth.
My friend Molly said it best, “the only thing that might ever ease your pain is the one thing you don’t want…time.”
She is right. Time hurts. Farther away means that much more time since I’ve kissed her. Farther away means that many more people move on and don’t immediately recall that for us, we are still very, very new at a LIFETIME of grief we will endure. The more time away means more people will move on about this world never knowing she was here. She was HERE. She LIVED.
I want my baby back. I want her with me; where she belongs. I am so sad and lonely without her. I want to parent her in present tense and stop speaking of her as if somehow memories can soothe the burn of missing her. I don’t want to hear “you’ll always be her mommy” because yes, that’s true, but being a mommy means actively doing so. I want her back. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life and more than I will ever want anything else in this world.