Because

Writing was easier earlier this week. I’d come into my “muse room” and the words would flow. I wrote in here for two days back to back, feeling so refreshed and at peace when I pressed “publish” and closed the laptop.

I sit here tonight, looking out the window of that very same “muse room” and I feel restless. I feel like my nerve endings are on fire and my mind is in a storm and the relentless pain of grief swirls inside. I sit next to a pile of tissues and Lovey Bear and just stare out the window to the bleak, lifeless, wet January day we’re having.

And the thought comes to mind…”what now?”

Continue reading “Because”

Kate’s Story…January 12th…A Year Later

Today, you are expecting to hear how much I miss her.

You’re expecting to hear how long and lonely a year has been.

You’re thinking I’ll tell you all of the things we’ve missed in 365 days and how the loss of her physical self, her voice, her love and her joy have left me hollow and without purpose.

All of those things are true. I feel every single one of them.

But instead…I want to tell you a story. Long as it may be, it feels important to say on this day. This horrible, awful, gut-wrenching and heart-breaking day.

Continue reading “Kate’s Story…January 12th…A Year Later”

Christmas is Over

Hello friends…here we are. December 26th and Christmas is officially over. The truth of the matter is, we had a harder time in the month leading up to Christmas than the actual day itself. Christmas Eve (night) through Christmas morning were brutal; I didn’t sleep. But thanks to the love and friendship of those willing to be with us and accept us exactly as we are, we made it. In all honesty, we just faked it…pretended it WASN’T Christmas. Afterall, without Kate, it truly wasn’t. How could it be?

Continue reading “Christmas is Over”

Katie at Christmastime

The truth is…it’s getting harder by the day as the holiday approaches and the joy around us swells. We are lucky and blessed to have so many friends and family working their butts off to be with us exactly as we are. “Open invitations, zero expectations.” We are lucky and blessed to know that they truly get it why and when we cancel, which we’ve done a LOT of this season. (As in: almost every plan we’ve had thus far.) As my husband said last night, “we Rhoades are not an easy duo to be around right now.” How lucky and BLESSED are we that we have people still willing to try?

Continue reading “Katie at Christmastime”

The Hardest Time of the Year

This is long. And it’s painful.

Just this past Monday, we marked 11 months without Kate. The next four weeks will bring our first Christmas without her. Our first New Years without her. And then, the 1 year anniversary of that horrific day. The worst 15 hours I will ever live. In just a short time, people will start saying “Kate died last year.” LAST YEAR. A year away from my little girl. A year since I saw her. Then it will be a year + 1 day. Then a year + 2 days. And so on it goes. It’s not as if one year is some magic number. It doesn’t end there. It’s not like “ok, I’ve made it a year, I’m good. She can come home now.”

Continue reading “The Hardest Time of the Year”