I try very hard to keep it pretty real here on this page; I write mostly because it’s my body’s way of physically releasing whatever is getting me down at the moment OR, less often, whatever is bringing me joy or comfort. I don’t ever write because I feel like I have to, but more because I feel like I NEED to.
The peaceful, happy and normal world we lived in turned upside down three years ago today when Kate was diagnosed with leukemia…for the first time. She was just a baby…only 26 months old. She still had baby fuzz hair. She still used pacis. She would work at it for 25 months but she would kick cancer to the curb. She was high-risk upon diagnosis but for some reason, that’s not what we heard. What we heard was “this is the most treatable type of pediatric cancer. If you have to have a child with cancer, THIS is the one you want.”
I have this dream…it’s more like a daydream but it only really comes to me when I’m drifting off to sleep or just about to wake. There is no business of the day or self-imposed to-do list to keep busy. It’s when I know you’ll always come. It’s this beautiful sort of feeling and sense of you. The daydream is about what it will be like when we finally reunite again in heaven.
I’m over-sharing. I’m losing my voice talking about her. I’m desperate for something and I don’t know what it is. Her, I guess. Oh so very desperate for her.