I have this dream…it’s more like a daydream but it only really comes to me when I’m drifting off to sleep or just about to wake. There is no business of the day or self-imposed to-do list to keep busy. It’s when I know you’ll always come. It’s this beautiful sort of feeling and sense of you. The daydream is about what it will be like when we finally reunite again in heaven.
I can sense you before I know I’m gone from Earth. You are laying in my left arm and I can feel that familiar weight of you. The one my arms have ached for. I can smell your sweet perfume of peach shampoo and Johnson’s baby lotion and it’s right under my nose. Your warm breath is on my neck and I can feel the softness of your skin and shiny, soft curls before I’ve opened my eyes.
You wake me with your little hand on my cheek and by calling my name…the name I have longed to hear. “Mommy” you say…”mommy I’m here.” When your face comes into view, it’s the perfect bliss I remember looking into yet not for nearly enough years at all. Crystal clear blue eyes with lashes for days and beautiful bright lips curling into a smile. You’re still missing your bottom two teeth, but that’s only because in my version of heaven, you are exactly as I remember you last.
We’re in our favorite place, lying in a hammock. Your head is on my shoulder and lovey is tucked in between your cheek and me. You start talking that mile a minute way only you can. You tell me how you’ve heard me talk to you every day, how you were with me all along and how you couldn’t WAIT for me to get there. You tell me all about your new friends and how you take care of your mommies and daddies on Earth and how special they are. You tell me about sliding down rainbows, bouncing on clouds and swimming in the bluest pools. The sunshine and moonlight appear like gold sparkles and glitter and have warmth you can feel from within.
I’m listening but I’m just staring at your perfect self. I am me…just as I was when you last saw me and you are you. You jump up to show me how perfect your little legs are again and you grab my hand to follow you so you can show me EVERYTHING. It fits perfectly. Just as it did. And I realize that my very last breath on earth was a sigh of relief. I am with you, hand in hand. And nothing of Earth or life or death matters.
I am with you and I know…that peace really is like a river. It washes over me like the cleansing breath I’d so desperately searched for on Earth. I instantly know the answers to all of the WHY’s I had. I know what my life’s purpose was and I know what yours was, too. I know how they were intertwined and decided upon – soul to soul – long before we ever met. I know that you are mine and I yours only…now for eternity.
My only wish. My only hope. My only prayer is that everything I’ve ever read about or heard of heaven is true. And that if the dreams I’ve had about my life here on Earth cannot come true…that the ones I have about heaven will.
7 months without you, Katie girl. I love you. I miss you more than I could ever say. Best friends forever. I promise.
I’m right behind you sunshine. Until I see you again…