“Clean sheet day” is like a victory cry in my household. Everyone here loves it when it’s clean sheet day. Kate LOVED warm laundry, and would especially love when clean sheets came fresh from the dryer. She’d “help” me make the beds and roll around giggling.
Blog
When I Saw You for the Last Time
I saw you for the last time a year ago today, Katie.
Because
Writing was easier earlier this week. I’d come into my “muse room” and the words would flow. I wrote in here for two days back to back, feeling so refreshed and at peace when I pressed “publish” and closed the laptop.
I sit here tonight, looking out the window of that very same “muse room” and I feel restless. I feel like my nerve endings are on fire and my mind is in a storm and the relentless pain of grief swirls inside. I sit next to a pile of tissues and Lovey Bear and just stare out the window to the bleak, lifeless, wet January day we’re having.
And the thought comes to mind…”what now?”
Kate’s Story…January 12th…A Year Later
Today, you are expecting to hear how much I miss her.
You’re expecting to hear how long and lonely a year has been.
You’re thinking I’ll tell you all of the things we’ve missed in 365 days and how the loss of her physical self, her voice, her love and her joy have left me hollow and without purpose.
All of those things are true. I feel every single one of them.
But instead…I want to tell you a story. Long as it may be, it feels important to say on this day. This horrible, awful, gut-wrenching and heart-breaking day.
January 11th…A Year Later
The memories of today are a blur. I think my brain is protecting my heart. I don’t remember that morning except that she wasn’t feeling well…and that it slowly went downhill at home.
Christmas is Over
Hello friends…here we are. December 26th and Christmas is officially over. The truth of the matter is, we had a harder time in the month leading up to Christmas than the actual day itself. Christmas Eve (night) through Christmas morning were brutal; I didn’t sleep. But thanks to the love and friendship of those willing to be with us and accept us exactly as we are, we made it. In all honesty, we just faked it…pretended it WASN’T Christmas. Afterall, without Kate, it truly wasn’t. How could it be?
Katie at Christmastime
The truth is…it’s getting harder by the day as the holiday approaches and the joy around us swells. We are lucky and blessed to have so many friends and family working their butts off to be with us exactly as we are. “Open invitations, zero expectations.” We are lucky and blessed to know that they truly get it why and when we cancel, which we’ve done a LOT of this season. (As in: almost every plan we’ve had thus far.) As my husband said last night, “we Rhoades are not an easy duo to be around right now.” How lucky and BLESSED are we that we have people still willing to try?
Last Christmas
Last Christmas, our little family escaped for an overnight getaway that turned out to be one of the best weekends we’ve ever had together. We took Kate to Busch Gardens Christmastown and stayed in an adorable villa just outside of Williamsburg.
The Hardest Time of the Year
This is long. And it’s painful.
Just this past Monday, we marked 11 months without Kate. The next four weeks will bring our first Christmas without her. Our first New Years without her. And then, the 1 year anniversary of that horrific day. The worst 15 hours I will ever live. In just a short time, people will start saying “Kate died last year.” LAST YEAR. A year away from my little girl. A year since I saw her. Then it will be a year + 1 day. Then a year + 2 days. And so on it goes. It’s not as if one year is some magic number. It doesn’t end there. It’s not like “ok, I’ve made it a year, I’m good. She can come home now.”
Five and a Half Years Old
“Christmas waves a magic wand over this world and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.” ~Norman Vincent Peale