I’m Sorry it Didn’t Stay Gone

I shared most of this post a year ago today when it had been one year. Today is mind-numbing to me that it has been two. A friend shared a post of her own last night that said “September is my season” referring to the season of way too many emotion-flooded days relating to special anniversaries, memories and of course, childhood cancer awareness month. I told her that September is my season too, and today is really the reason.

Two years ago today was the best day of my life. A re-birth of my precious daughter.

This little girl, one week of school under her belt, dressed up in a gold outfit & special hair bow. The day was a normal Monday for us as Mondays were clinic days. Only, two years ago today, it wasn’t normal at all. It was her very last chemo…a shot of methotrexate, sunk deep into the sweet little thigh she helped her favorite nurse pick out. She chose a Rafael TMNT band-aid for her leg instead of the princess one and one to match her outfit for her arm.

Mommy, Daddy and Grandma were all in attendance and she was overwhelmed so she cried more from that than any pain she experienced. She was emotional when we tried to celebrate at the clinic but when we got home, she was all smiles. So proud. She was done. She finished. She won.

I’m trying very, very hard (very hard) not to be bitter today. Not to be angry that it didn’t work. Not to feel slighted that so many of my friends have and will celebrate this same milestone with their child and go on to live normal, cancer-free lives. They deserve that, believe me. But why didn’t we? Why didn’t it work for Kate?

I try so hard not to let the why’s and the how’s rule my life, but I’d be lying if I said I’ve had any type of success with that. Those are the feelings I generally keep in…they’re the ones that bolt me upright in bed in the wee hours of the morning. Still.

Who would you be now? How would you have progressed since this day two years ago? HOW did this happen to you and so fast? I couldn’t wrap my brain around that part if I had all the knowledge in the world over what happened.

Two years ago today was the happiest I have ever been. Our family was literally buzzing with happiness and joy for what was to come and while I was careful not to ever say “last chemo EVER” I never expected she’d ever need it again. She never even got the CHANCE to have chemo again. I never even got the chance to tell her it didn’t stay gone.

My sweet little girl, I love you so very much. I love you even more today than I did this day two years ago.

I am so sorry it didn’t stay gone.

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