I am overwhelmed by what a month feels like without her. What we’ve missed. What we’ve learned.
We’ve missed a month of dinners with dinosaur guessing games and rounds of I spy.
Baths with songs and coloring followed by snuggles and movie watching. Bed times with stories and painstakingly selecting favorite jammies. Weekends of errands, snow play, shopping trips and adventures. A month without donut dates, froyo and art projects. A month without hugs, her sweet, soft little voice welcoming me “good morning mommy!” each day or one last call “mommy I need you one more time” just after bed time because she wants one more thing. Imagine for just a moment…not feeling the touch of your baby for a month. No hand holding, no kisses, no breath on my neck when she would snuggle. No jokes, stories or play. I don’t get to send my sweetheart off to school today with carefully selected Valentines for her class mates, nor spend the weekend celebrating Valentine’s Day with Disney princesses, a family dinner date and ice cream with sprinkles.
What we’ve learned is that the absence of Kate is cheating the world. We’ve learned how many people loved her. How magical she truly was. How many lives she touched. Life without her HURTS. Physically, emotionally and spiritually. Her absence is huge. She filled up each and every part of our world with love, joy, sunshine and happiness. Without her…well. There is only a vast feeling of EMPTY. No one needs me now. I have no nose to wipe or little hands to wash. No dinners to make and milk to pour. No kisses on boo boos, no gentle coaching to help with how to hold the pencil. No pancake breakfasts and no one to help up the ladder at the playground. No one to chase, no one to sing with. No one to play puzzles with, no one to bundle up to brace the cold. No one to dress, no hair to lovingly brush. I have nothing now but an empty soul, a hollow heart and more pain than there are words to say. I have my husband but no family. The light in my life is but a memory today and the silence without her in our home is deafening.
It hurts to be anywhere. It hurts to say or do anything. It hurts to know that this is what the days will feel like from now on. I wake counting the hours until I can sleep again. I want nothing in this world but to have the light back in my life. Not as my angel, not as my guardian. I want to be her MOM. I don’t want to carry on her legacy. I want her BACK.
Katie, I have so many things I want to say to you. So many things I wanted to show you. I had so much love still to give you. I am absolutely lost without you.
Kate Olivia, I love you and I miss you in every part of my life.