I have a six year old today. My eyes have never seen her and I don’t know what her voice sounds like. But my heart knows her perfectly.
She’s taller now (they still grow up in heaven) and her hair is longer, but still beautiful and soft. It’s amazing – her eyes are big and blue – but her glasses remain on her dresser here at home. She has no need for them where she is now. She sees colors more vivid than we can imagine and she watches over me from among the stars.
I have a six year old today. My arms ache to feel her weight and my body longs to sit aside hers. But my heart still knows her perfectly.
She’s wiser now (for she knows everything she’ll ever need to know in heaven.) She has no fears and she has no pain. Her legs are strong and she spends her days running and playing. She has no worry or sadness and all she can remember is love. She knows the truths that we all seek – why we are here, who we are meant to become and she knows her life’s purpose was fulilled. She loves me but does not miss me, because she is with me every day. For us, it feels like it has been an eternity; for her, she probably hasn’t even blinked once yet.
I have a six year old today. She doesn’t need a party in heaven, but she gets one nonetheless. I don’t know what she’d like today, but they say that in heaven they are the “best version of themselves” so to me, she is just as I know her. She still loves pancakes, cupcakes and sprinkles and she still delights in bubbles and kicking the ball around. Only now, it’s not in our back yard, but the wide open fields of heaven, under the bluest skies and sunshine and she plays with her angel friends and not us. Lily and Eliza play with her as she tries to keep up with the big kids like Mathias and Gavin. The littles run behind…Monroe and Sim are giggling.
I have a six year old today. At 4:04am today, Kate Olivia turned six years old here on Earth. Or, at least I wish she did. Because instead, her 6th birthday is now her 2nd in Heaven and she is forever four.
But today isn’t the day to let childhood cancer have a say. Today is a day I rejoice over the bliss of being allowed to be this child’s mother. Today is a day I celebrate the moment we met. A day I reflect back to the hope and pride I had as her mommy and all the things I wanted her life to become. I like to think I had a hand in what it did; she was mine and I hers. My soul mate. My very best friend.
Kate Olivia, my darling, most perfect girl. When you see me today, know that I cry because I miss you. But I would do this all over again in a second just to know you. Every ounce of this pain is worth the chance to be near you. Even if only for four years, seven months and seven days. You changed my life with yours and I am so grateful.
Happy birthday my beautiful Kate. Mommy loves you. I miss you. Best friends forever. I promise.