The post below is from Facebook one year ago today. I read it this morning after (again) waking up far too early with these beautiful children on my mind. Mine included. But ironically, Kylie too.
It is once again the eve before Childhood Cancer Awareness Month and I could think of nothing better to write than what I’ve already said. So here it is again.
With love to all of the families I’ve “met” on this journey since this post was made. There are far, far too many and my heart is with you all.
Kate and Kylie. They never met. I’ve never met her momma. But I love them both. Kate and Kylie had very, very different cancers and very different experiences through treatment. But this morning, I woke early, tears already forming and falling before I realized the time. I checked my phone and saw that Kylie’s momma had written a new blog post and I shuffled off downstairs to read.
Kate and Kylie were different but still so much the same. I poured over the very first photo in Bree’s blog. Look at that shelf in sweet KyKy’s room. So familiar, no? The decorative “Ks,” the Beanie Boos, the dinosaurs, the sunglasses…the two girls loved the same things. The two girls had cancer. The two girls died nearly a year apart and the two girls’ mommas miss them fiercely.
If I have failed at putting grief into words, Bree does not. It so moved me because I feel it so sharply; I could have written the post myself. I sat in Kate’s room a while after reading and just thanked God for the promise of seeing my girl again. It’s the only thing that gets me through the days. I mean that so literally…think about that. You wake up every day for over four years to be someone’s mommy. You wake up to LIVE for them and WITH them. Then one day, because of childhood cancer, you can only wake up to TALK about them. To MISS them. I don’t wake for myself anymore…I wake to think about her. To live in the past with her.
As Bree said so perfectly “…I’m not really there and my body is floating above, watching a world I will never fit into.” This world without our girls isn’t one we ever wanted to fit into. This isn’t how its supposed to go. A world without Kate. Without Kylie. Without Daniel, RJ, Imogen, Simone, Monroe, Lily, Gabriella, Shayla, Declan, Avery, Kylie M., Alex, Gage, Rett, Mathias, Paulie, Cole, Bailey, Gavin, Paisley, Ahmie, Jennifer, Delaney, Lennon…and so many more. I wake up for you all now and I know with my whole being that you are all together. Together, you turn the skies pink and gold. Together, you show us God’s grace everywhere. Together, you let us know you are near.
On the eve of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, think about this. Think about this list of names, which is just from my own, personal book of names of children we have loved and lost. Rare? No. No it’s not rare. Stay here, with me, and let’s show the world, shall we?
Thank you, Bree.