Craving Kate

When I miss her most, it’s just HER that I crave. Her sweet, sweet nature. Her voice. Her silly games and laugh. The funny things she said and the every day aspects of being “mommy.” I miss being needed, being wanted and being her everything. I miss my former daily life, even as mundane as bath time and errands. I miss our adventures and I absolutely miss our holiday traditions and the fun ways we would lead up to them. I miss brushing her hair and helping her learn to do things for herself. I miss her toys and collections and I miss how she’d make our coffee in the mornings or help me make smoothies.

But lately, I’ve been thinking about all of the things I WILL miss. Kate was SUCH an easy baby and SUCH a joy to parent. (Seriously…this child right here? Angel on earth. I cannot say it enough.) I won’t ever get to know how she and I would be as she got older. Would I be the cool mom? Or would I bug her like crazy, worried over every little thing. Would she like to have me around or would she roll her eyes at me. Would she be a girly girl? Into sports or science? Would we clash when she was a teenager, making her daddy her go-to guy? Would we talk every day on the phone when she was off on her own? Would we grow up to be best friends like we were when she was here?

I’ll never even get to share Harry Potter with her. I thought about this when she was a baby…”I can’t wait for her to be old enough to read the Harry Potter books with me!” I’ll never get to see her dressed up for her first date. I’ll never know if she would have an easy time with school or if she would struggle through algebra like me.

What would she be like as an older kid? Would she be nice to the other students in class…the opposite of a mean girl? What would she have worn for Halloween this year?

Cancer robbed me of ever finding out those things. It robbed me of an entire lifetime. It robbed whoever her best friend would’ve become of a truly amazing partner in crime. It robbed teachers the opportunity to know and witness a strength and wise old soul beyond measure. It robbed the world of her infectious joy. Her shooting-star-like spirit. Her absolutely beautiful soul.

Cancer took it all away and I’m so angry I just could cry. I do cry. I miss my little girl so very deeply. I miss who she would have become. I miss every single thing about being her mommy and her in my life.

I know she’s not gone…she’s just different. But that “different” is not okay.

I miss my little girl so much.

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