Finding Words for “I Miss You”

Sweetheart, I miss you.

I hate that pain and longing are such an everyday part of my life that I don’t even recognize them as real emotions anymore. I hate that missing you is such a part of every day that I don’t even know that I’m doing it actively anymore. And I hate that when things like your clinic’s phone number popping up in my list of contacts doesn’t send me over the edge because now I just expect little things. Little pieces of you and what used to be our lives popping up every day.

I hate that I don’t cry every day anymore and I hate that when I do it makes me feel guilty for all the times that I haven’t. I hate that I’m still so fragile and yet getting stronger. I feel like the world’s most awful mother for not knowing if I’m thinking about you or not. I have to remind myself to actively do so now even though I know I’m thinking of you in my heart all day long.

I hate that the sight of children still hurts. I want so badly to interact and I love it when I have a moment of strength to do so. And then there’s a tightness in my chest when the child walks away because I’m either remembering a memory of you and wondering who you would have become.

I hate that your room smells unfamiliar now and that there is dust in your bathtub. I hate that I can’t find any videos of you saying my name. Mommy. I haven’t heard you say my name in so long and I hate that I can’t conjure it up and my mind. And I hate that the memory of your last morning here with me in bed still hasn’t returned. I don’t know what we talked about and I don’t remember the last time we said I love you. I cannot believe that at some point I looked into your eyes for what would be the last time and I can’t remember it. I don’t remember our last coherent conversation.

And I hate that sometimes when I feel weakest, I still want to die. But even more so? I hate that now I think I might want to live. I hate that I’ve let my health go so completely out of control, but I hate even more that I have an appointment to get it under control. I hate that I might not just accidentally die anymore…from blood sugar. Or pain.

It hurts me to think that I’ve actually had thoughts about what I will do with your room. It hurts to be planning even more travel without you although I know sitting in our empty home will not help me. I hate how now, the people who understand me best are not my family and best friends but complete strangers across the country who I love with my whole heart because they just understand. And I hate that I don’t feel like I can relate to anyone but them anymore. I hate thinking that the only way I’m going to get through the next 4 months will be to completely remove myself from Facebook and social media and burying my head in the sand and covering up…waiting for the months-long storm to pass because of all that is coming. Your favorite holidays, family time, missed memories and emptiness. And I hate that sooner than I can blink we will be up on the one-year anniversary of you leaving this Earth and I just don’t know how I will ever survive that. But then again I have no idea how I’ve survived this far. Only by the grace of God and by the love of you.

I hate that laughing hysterically until I cry doesn’t make me cry with guilt anymore. I know how much you would want me to live and love and move forward with my life with your memory burning bright in my heart. But when I really sit down and think about what that means and when it really all starts to sink in, I just cannot control the outburst of emotion.

I don’t remember what you felt like. I don’t remember how you loved me. I don’t remember what it’s like to be needed. I miss your touch. I miss your love and your heart and our friendship. I miss you looking up at me with those beautiful blue eyes and your voice.

I hate who I’ve become. I hate all this hate. You lived with love and kindness and I’m turning black and hollow. ONLY because of you do I smile. Only because of you do I fight. I used to wake up for you. Now I wake up to remember you. And…yah. I hate that, too.

My darling girl, nothing sums it up. Nothing is worthy. I love you. I miss you. Best friends forever. I promise.

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